


Save My Soul for Me

by Scrcndpty



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Reader-Insert, Soulmates, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-03-19
Packaged: 2019-04-04 17:21:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14025015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scrcndpty/pseuds/Scrcndpty
Summary: His eyes were what burned themselves into your memory: A striking, kind of electrical blue, a color you only had seen in movies before, which were totally artificial. But you saw it here, in the flesh, and they must have been the most beautiful eyes you had and would ever see;Unfortunately, they had also been the most lifeless and empty eyes you had ever seen.When you touch your soulmate for the first time, you get to relive their entire life.





	Save My Soul for Me

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this is not too long and quite angsty - mind the tags! Please do not read if you are uncomfortable with this kind of topic, and please also see [this post](https://secondxreality.tumblr.com/post/164928045659/fuwaprince-us-helplines-depression-hotline). Don't be afraid to contact me if you need to talk about the matter; I try to answer as soon as possible.
> 
> Originally posted on tumblr.

It was a cool, early morning in March, and even though the sun shone brightly, you shivered slightly, and moved to wrap your jacket tighter around your body, nose nuzzling into the thick fabric of your scarf.

It was around half past seven, and you waited at the station for the subway to arrive in a few minutes, bringing you to your work place. The subway took only ten minutes to get you there, the station practically right in front of the building, and you easily would be ten minutes earlier than necessary.

You were hard-working and very proud of it.

About twenty other people waited with you at the station, shuddering in the cold and clutching their styrofoam cups of coffee tightly, as if they were the only source of heat in the entire universe. Well, in this moment, they probably were, but you never were a fan of carrying those cups around, especially not in crowded subways, so you stuck to wearing gloves and keeping your hands in the pockets of your jacket.

The waiting at the station and the ride to work were what you enjoyed most about your mornings. You got to be by yourself, only you and the music from your ear buds, which even made the one or other passenger in the subway pressed against you more endurable. During this time you were free to your thoughts, sometimes even lost in them.

Really, it was a miracle you even took notice of this man.

You didn't know why, but you were suddenly staring at a man with long brown hair nearly reaching his shoulders, dressed in a black hoodie (nothing more, you wondered if he hadn't been cold) and jeans. Both his hands were hanging limply at his sides, only his fingers flexed restlessly. Strangely, he only wore one glove on his left hand.

Reaching his face, you saw the stubble covering the lower half of it, including a jaw line that could cut diamonds. But his eyes were what burned themselves into your memory.

A striking, kind of electrical blue, a color you only had seen in movies before, which were totally artificial. But you saw it here, in the flesh, and they must have been the most beautiful eyes you had and would ever see;

Unfortunately, they had also been the most lifeless and empty eyes you had ever seen.

The subway was now visible in the distance, and the man took one small step closer to the edge of the platform.

For the few seconds it took for the subway to get significantly closer, you were in shock. He didn't ... he didn't really want to jump right in front of the subway, right? But he wouldn't. You just imagined the whole thing. For sure. He wouldn't do this right now. And why did nobody else notice this? The man was like, three feet away from the edge, too near for an incoming subway. But maybe you had just imagined it, maybe you -

The man moved to make one more step, but you already had closed the distance between you two, one hand curling around his upper arm to yank him back.

High-pitched screeching sounded as the subway came to a halt. A wave of passengers exited, another wave of them stepped into the train. Nobody wasted only one second to look at the two of you, clinging to each other.

Now it was the brunette's turn to be shocked. It glistened in his widened eyes, giving them life (thanks to every higher power). You could just stare back, swallowing multiple times before you managed to choke out words.

"What- whatever it is, _this_ ... is not an option."

He continued to stare for a few seconds, then he closed his eyes, face contorting into a painful expression, even though he seemed physically uninjured.

"I-I ... I," he stuttered, breathing accelerated, unable to form another word. Your heart ached at the sight of the state he were in, and you hesitantly tried to smile softly.

"It's okay," you murmured, "it's okay." The man willingly let it happen as you pulled him into your arms. He returned the embrace, and tucked his face into the side of your neck, into the thick fabric of your scarf, as if he could hide there from the rest of the world.

The tips of his hair brushed your skin, you could feel the stubble on the side of his face against your cheek as your bare skin met.

Then the pictures - the _memories_ \- began to flash behind your eyes.

A young boy, same brown hair, albeit shorter as the man in your arms, throwing himself into a fight to save a tiny blonde, Steve, who would become his best friend.

"Bucky!" Laughing, a little girl squirmed, trying to get away from the threatening fingers of her brother reaching for her belly to tickle her. Not long and two other girls had joined the battle, effectively bringing their older brother to the ground.

Beautiful dames, dying to get to dance with him, all of them wrapped around his finger by his charm and handsome face.

There was Steve having an asthma attack because of the fun he had, and he wasn't even pissed when Bucky continued to laugh while trying to get him through breathing exercises.

There were feelings of happiness, love, and just ... _home_.

But there also were times of pain, hopelessness, and loneliness. Times were food was barely enough to feed his sisters and his Mama, and hunger were a constant companion. Times were Bucky feared Steve would not survive his next coughing fit.

And then came the war. Endless nights of gun shots and explosions sounding in the distance or even right beside him. Pain. Death. Comrades dying in his arms. Imprisonment by German soldiers. HYDRA. Experiments. More pain. A small glimpse of hope when Bucky finally saw Steve again (how did the tiny punk suddenly get huge?). The short-lasting feeling of success when he and the Howling Commandos destroyed HYDRA base after HYDRA base.

Bucky died. Or rather he wished he had died when he had fell. The train. The soviets. HYDRA - Zola - again. Experiments again. Pain again. Now they got a chair. _The_ chair. More pain. Again. Some words. Then ...

Nothing.

The asset. Men, women, children dying. All of them. The asset didn't feel anything anymore. He- it wasn't meant for feelings.

Episodes of cold. Then nothing. Cold when its body awakened again. The chair. Words. Mission. Mission report. Cold. Nothing. Cold. Chair. Words. Mission. Mission report - a never ending cycle, lasting decades.

Suddenly there was the blonde punk again (Steve). And with him came the feelings. Confusion. Shame. The asset (no, Bucky, _James_ ) fully registered pain again. When his handler punished him. When they used the chair again. When he had to fought against Cap, Widow, and Falcon again (Steve, _Natalia_ , Sam).

Guilt.

Guilt was the one feeling that weighed James down the most. Every time he closed his eyes he saw all their faces, the faces of his _victims_ , asking him _why_. And the _fear_. Fear he saw in their eyes. Fear _he_ felt. He feared the words, he feared the guilt, he feared the cold.

He feared _life_.

So he had to end it.

When you touch your soulmate for the first time, you get to relive their entire life. Nothing would be left out. But it was not like watching a film; it was nothing like that. When they say _relive_ , they mean it. You didn't only see how James's life had been, you _felt_ it. Every little ounce of feeling, you heard every thought, and your body went through every wound. Not physically, no, it was kind of all in your head, but it was enough. More than enough.

You broke down crying.

Heavy, hot tears were gathering in your eyes and rolling down your cheeks, as you clutched desperately to James. Your soulmate (your _soulmate_ ) held you just as tight as you did, doing his best to lower your shivering form carefully to the ground as your knees gave away.

"I am so sorry," he whispered. You were barely able to comprehend it, your body still struggling to work through the massive amount of input.

When you touch your soulmate for the first time, you get to relive their entire life. The same went for James, and seeing your life was the first step on a way of – a way of getting hopefully better.

Unlike you, James was flooded with happiness, and felicity, and _love_. Of course, you had your downs as well as your ups, but all in all it was the complete opposite to his last couple of decades. And for the time being where he get to see all these positivity, get to _feel_ the positivity life could offer, had to offer. The mere prospect of having found his soulmate, that destiny finally had something other for him than agony and pain ... James dared to have hope again.

Now he felt the need to fight again, to not give up on his life, for his soulmate, for _you;_ even though there still was a tiny part of him, one that probably would accompany him forever, saying that he would not deserve this, that with his first touch he only brought you pain. However, you were quick to smother these doubts.

"It's okay, it is all okay." You repeated your words from before, voice trembling, but it washed over James like a cure. After you managed to pry away your hands buried into the fabric of his hoodie, you pulled him even closer, fingers carding through his hair and nails scratching lightly over his scalp, soothing him.

James wept freely. He didn't know if it was because he was still alive or if it was because of the relief when you continued to hold him in your arms (probably- definitely both), but he didn't care. He didn't care that you and him were kneeling on the ground at a subway station, he didn't care that dozens of people were walking around you, staring and whispering when they had someone to whisper to.

All that mattered was the fast but steady beating of your heart against his chest, the rhythm of his own beating heart in sync with your own, and the feeling of the tips of your fingers caressing the skin of your neck.

The single meeting of a person, soulmate or not, wouldn't have his doubts and pain instantly vanish into nothing, but it was a great step towards recovery.

**Author's Note:**

> Nevertheless, kudos and comments are always appreciated!
> 
> Visit me on [tumblr](http://secondxreality.tumblr.com/)!


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